My Blog is an Awesome Blog

Valentine's Day

2012-02-13T19:37:00.000-08:00

Email From Professor

2012-02-09T11:21:00.000-08:00

I was sifting through some old emails and I found this message from a professor of mine, he was giving me some "edits" on my project concerning "Priestly Celibacy."

10 Things That Happened Directly After The Super Bowl

2012-02-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

1) Giant’s plane ride home was delayed because Eli Manning could not find a booster seat.

2) Rob Gronkowski was fed an adult bison.

3) Archie Manning accidentally introduced Eli as “His only son.”

4) Eli Manning went straight to bed as it was a half hour past his bed time.

5) Aaron Hernandez had to solemnly celebrate-dance his money back into the vault for next year.

6) The residents of Vancouver burnt their city to the ground…again.

7) Tom Brady apologized for hitting Wes Welker on the hands with the football during the game.

8) Clint Eastwood blitzed North Korea in opening minutes of America’s 3^rd quarter.

9) Group of reckless youths dared each other to say “Gronkowski” 3 times in the mirror with the lights turned off…the death toll was catastrophic.

10) Eli Manning was given a wedgie by an eight-grade girl.

Wii Fit

2012-02-02T18:16:00.000-08:00

Minority Report Roomates

2012-01-30T09:18:00.000-08:00

Need 5^th Roommate, We’re not from the movie Minority Report

Date: 2011-11-16, 11:03AM EST
Reply to: see below ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

Hey we’re looking for a fifth roommate! We have a great spot right near downtown, easy subway access. Rent is about $700 a month. Oh and also, I must stress this. The other three roommates are NOT the three psychics from Minority Report. Please don’t say anything about it, as they are very sensitive. For that matter don’t even think about saying anything about it.

Ok I have my own room, and you’ll be sharing a room with the other three, but it’s totally spacious because they spend all day in a shallow, stagnant pool in the middle of the floor. It’s pretty quiet cause they don’t really say anything and they don’t have any belongings. They don’t really like any music in the room cause it messes with their Hive-Mind, but you can listen to stuff in the kitchen quietly at non-Hive-Mind peak hours from 7am-8am. Generally we all try not to speak outside of that time. And if you think that these people sound like the people from Minorty Report, well then that’s really insensitive of you and you should stop being a bigot.

We all take turns doing dishes, sometimes the other three might leave you a passive aggressive note on the fridge about how you didn’t wash the dishes on Sunday, even though it’s only Friday. This may seem a little rash but trust me, you were not going to wash those goddamn dishes.

You will have to get used to everyone referring to our apartment as a “bleak dystopian representation of the future.” But whatever, it’s better than living with your folks. It took me a little while to get used to the fact that the other roommates are naked and bald all of the time, by choice. I tried to dress them up once for Christmas but it was a nightmare, the tinsel was stuck in the bottom of the pool for months. So they just stay naked now. If you’re going to be all like, “Wait this sounds exactly like Minority Report.” The my reply is “Stop being a homophobic racist ok?”

Yeah so no pets, this won’t seem fair because the other three collectively own a hamster named Barnaby. It was just part of the deal with them so don’t get fussy, and do NOT feed or make eye contact with Barnaby. He is also part of the Hive-Mind, and they can tell when he’s been disturbed. Other than that this is like a really great deal and you should cash in on it soon! Thanks!

My Cover Letter

2012-01-18T19:13:00.000-08:00

Hey Readers, here's a cover letter I just sent to a hiring manager trying to land a job at a boutique.

Hi,

My name is Kevin Anglin and I am your boutique’s Operation Manager. I walk in everyday on time and smile at everyone who is there. My smile is contagious and it fills you with the feeling that the rest of the day is going to be pretty good. “How does he do it?” you may wonder out loud. “Good parenting” I reply. We laugh for a moment, our daily banter is organic and wonderful. I immediately check to see what needs my attention. There are a few things on my “To-Do” list, but soon they will be “To-Done.” My rogue-ish looks complement the boutique. Because of my past experience working in offices, my skill set is perfectly designed to meet the needs of this boutique, as well as lead a military expedition in space. One might think I’d be an uptight stiff given my resume, but my office experience is perfectly tempered by my interest in the human condition and also “Love”. My love for interacting and connecting with people shines through like a beacon of hope in an otherwise doomed world.

Because I am a jack of all trades, I begin to undertake a number of eclectic tasks that are required of me. When a customer walks through the door, I greet them warmly, we chat briefly about their morning. They feel comfortable and the conversation is effortless. They’ll have no idea they’re pregnant till they get home. I busy myself by tidying up around the office. Paper work is filed, a computer problem has been fixed, and a chimpanzee in a diaper has been nursed. I have time to build a tiny diorama of the opening scene from the musical Cats. It is flawless

“Thank you Kevin” you might say, “Oh no need to thank me, a job well done is its own reward. But making you happy intrinsically makes me happy,” Just then I jog across the street to help an older person with their groceries. I have stolen her soul, she doesn't know this though. Everyone who comes in contact with me immediately feels that they are safe, sometimes they acknowledge this by saying “Wow is it fucking safe in here or is it just me!?”

You notice that I am natural leader yet hold others opinions on the same level as my own. My experience in my previous work has given me this insight, and my experience in life has filled in the rest. As we wrap up a brief meeting, everyone applauds. It’s just a thing that’s started happening since I began working there. We do good work today. All in the name of Women’s Health, which in turn, helps humanity’s health. When the workday has finished we bid each other goodnight, you think to yourself, “I hired the right person for this job.” I walk back in and say “You're goddamn fucking right you did.”

Hook Presents: The Diabetic Lost Boy

2012-01-17T18:12:00.000-08:00

Real Life Spiderman

2012-01-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

Trader Joe's Job Application

2012-01-09T18:39:00.000-08:00

Trader Joe's

Thank you for your interest in working at Trader Joe’s! Please fill out the following application so we can consider you for employment

1) Have you ever worked in a grocery store before?

Yes

No (please stop application if checked)

2) Do you still regularly use the word 'Hootenanny'?

Yes

No (please stop application if checked)

3) How many years did you spend touring with The Grateful Dead?

Over 7

No (please stop application if checked)

4) Knitting?

Yes

No (please stop application if checked)

5) Are you disconcertingly nice most of the time?

Yes

No (please stop application if checked)

6) Do you bottle up any uncomfortable emotions you may have? And then later release these emotions in private or in front of a house cat

Yes (please stop application if checked)

No (please stop application if checked)

Yes, but I immediately apologize to the house cat

7) Have you been involved in the following?

-Marching Band

-Miniature Train Collecting

-Writing fan fiction for Lord of the Rings

-Passive aggression

-Quiet apologies

-Memorizing lines from “Murder She Wrote” to use at appropriate times in real life.

(please stop application if not all of these were checked)

8) Are you good at cryptically ringing a large bell that appears to mean nothing to anyone else?

Yes (please stop application if checked)

No (please stop application if checked)

I am currently ringing a bell on a street corner

9) Is your favorite music jazz played at an almost inaudible level?

That sounds like a cacophony of sound that I'd rather not partake in

No (please stop application if checked)

10) Have you ever at any point in your life wanted to be a unicorn?

Yes (please stop application if checked)

No (please stop application if checked)

I currently believe I am a unicorn

Emo-ticon

2012-01-06T12:08:00.000-08:00

The Jokes I Wrote Today

2012-01-05T19:58:00.000-08:00

4 Reasons I Am In Support of Childhood Obesity

2011-12-30T11:11:00.000-08:00

1) Their Secretive Nature

Nothing brings me greater joy than guessing what a portly 7 year-old is up to. To see him skip about (and by skip I mean sit still) pondering the thoughts of the universe. What are you thinking my little walrus? Perhaps you are contemplating the nearest McDonald’s. Or perhaps you are slipping into a coma. I’ll never know! But I do know that seeing your wry smile after guzzling some left over bacon grease makes me feel like I have looked into the face of a cherub…and that cherub is you.

2) When They Ride Comically Undersized Tricycles

Yes! Struggle to pedal the comically undersized tricycle! The burn in your loins must be that of a thousand suns! You are unable to move, yet you exert so much force! Soon your parents will give in and buy you a mechanized wheel chair, but for now watching your brow furrow as you come to the earth-shattering realization that you should not be able to rest your chin on your knees while riding a bike is more entertainment than I can stand!

3) The Joy of Stroking Out

Whenever I’m feeling blue I just reassure myself that out there somewhere, is a rotund eight year-old having his first stroke while playing Wii. Suddenly the world seems right again. Knowing that when the child returns to school, he is no longer an inflated boy…but an inflated man.

4) Bait During Zombie Apocalypse

Let’s face it, when this world goes to shit during the zombie apocalypse we’re going to be so thankful that we have fat children around to distract the human-flesh-craving zombies while the rest of us escape. It’d probably take a zombie a good forty-five minutes to work through the clogged veins of your average elementary school fatty. Then the Zombie will probably have to nap.

Christmas Shoez

2011-12-24T12:19:00.000-08:00

Star Wars Drinking Games

2011-12-21T19:53:00.000-08:00

Puberty

2011-12-19T18:30:00.000-08:00

How I believe puberty works.

Friday Afternoon Email Exchange

2011-12-16T12:43:00.000-08:00

Here's an email from work, my co worker's answers are in red. I then replied to her answers

From:    Disgruntled Coworker
Sent: Friday, December 16, 2011 3:08 PM
To: Kevin Anglin;
Subject:

See comments in red below.

Hey,

So she wants to see if we can get one of those powermat things to fulfill and order, but only order one.

Order placed for 1. Should arrive here on Tuesday.

There are 19 orders. She wants to know how many we have in stock. It’s
either 20 or 25.

Kevin – count that shit

We need 6, we have 5, she wants to a do a minimum re-order of two so we can fulfill the order and have
one extra.

Order placed for 2….not sure if they will process this or if there is a minimum order of 6 or more…will keep you posted.

She does want a weekly report, essentially the below min one, except right I guess.

YOU COUNT SHIT

Take this all as you will

Suck an egg

From: Kevin Anglin
Sent: Friday, December 16, 2011 3:15 PM
To       Disgruntled Coworker
Cc:
Subject

New England Driving

2011-12-16T06:52:00.000-08:00

If Santa Was Real

2011-12-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

What Your Beer Says About You

2011-12-11T17:51:00.000-08:00

Bud Light:

You love the 2^nd Amendment, Bald Eagles, Class photos with the laser background, and neglecting your children. You don’t believe in the New York Times, because you don’t know that it exists. It’s ok for you to talk freely, but anyone who disagrees is asking for a quick punch to the eyeball. You believe in tradition, and though haven’t mentioned it in public, see the upside to slavery. You think G.I. Jane is a silly movie. You are, Bud Light

Heineken:

You are most likely a prick. You have money to make up for your lack of personality. You would described the shirts in your wardrobe as “pastels.” To you, a ‘Bra’ is a close intimate male friend and not a woman’s undergarment that you have no idea how to take off. You are okay a beer pong, however your choice to wear an arm band while playing makes everyone in the room want to beat you with a live seal. You are, soulless- I mean, Heineken.

Pabst:

You should be showering right now because you are dirty. You have a beard, even if you are female. Occupy Wall Street made sense to you but you can’t articulate why. You hate most things, and enjoy a feeble understanding of Irony. You relate to the creepy characters in the game “Guess Who?” You can ride a bike obscenely far. Seriously if you haven’t showered by now you should. You are, Pabst.

Microbrew:

You’re the yuppie of the Democrats. You have a Subaru. You only eat things that have been read the story ‘Goodnight Moon’ while they were being slaughtered. You’re correct in your opinions of good beer, but we still hate you for it. Despite your knowledge of good beer, you brew your own which is the shittiest shit shit-stain of an alcoholic beverage possible. You really want everyone to like it, but let me tell you, they don’t…and they will kill you soon. You are, Microbrew.

Guinness

You’re “Irish,” we get it.

Happy Hump Day

2011-12-07T10:42:00.000-08:00

Red Lobster's Non-Compete Agreement

2011-12-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Ted,

I want to extend a big thank you on behalf of Red Lobster for all your hard work over the past two years. I understand your need to move on with your career and wanted to let you know that we wish you all the best with whatever future employment awaits you. That being said I would like to remind you that you did sign something called a “non-compete agreement.” While you may think that this only stops you from working at other food industries, it actually stops you from working, well…anywhere.

You see here at Red Lobster we take that shit seriously. Did you think we’re just going to let you go? Harboring the Red Lobster trade secrets that make us a premiere seafood alternative for middle income families? Please, let’s be pragmatic here. You are a threat to us Ted. A loose end, and here at Red Lobster, we’re not afraid to go back to jail. Get me Ted? Get what we’re saying? You know what doesn’t leave finger prints at a crime scene? A fucking lobster, Ted, that’s what. And the line of volunteers to kill you goes out the goddamn door. You know the honor it would bring a lobster? To bludgeon you with a candlestick, then boil some water and dive in the pot ultimately killing itself but also guaranteeing that the police never suspect our mid-level casual dining experience restaurant? Any lobster would be happy to do that for us, because Red Lobster is a veritable deity in the seafood world. Legal Seafood can suck a dick.

Red Lobster has identified any other money making industry as a threat to its well being. Therefore you are prohibited from making any money over the next year or so. Since the hourly wage Red Lobster gave you was nowhere near sufficient for you to hold over until then, you’ll be forced to crawl back to us and beg for your job back, and guess what? We’ll fucking think about it. I’ll look over at Miguel the dishwasher and say,

“Miguel you believe this shit?” and He’ll say,

“No, No I don’t believe this shit, My name’s Miguel.”

You’ll have to take a pay cut and go through the month-long unpaid training. And then you’ll work on commission based on the Lobster sales. But we’ll always know that you thought about leaving. And if it ever looks like you’d want to leave again, we’ll kill a senator and blame it on you.

Best of Luck,

Gary

Red Lobster Hiring Manager

Hi, It's the Mass Facebook Invite

2011-12-02T08:13:00.000-08:00

Hi, I’m the Mass Facebook Invite.

Uh, I couldn’t help notice that you didn’t respond to me? So I figured it’s best to keep sending you a message about the improv show that’s seven states away from you. They’re called The Chuckie Funsters, It’s a Rug Rat reference. I mean I know you got the information. Just in case you didn’t, it’s at Jamie’s Grandmother’s house, (grandma Dee-dee) she’s a pistol! 5 bucks to get in and you get a few meatballs that his G-ma made. They are THE BOMB. Or so Jamie says. Even though it’s a Tuesday night, and you’d have to take a week off work, you should go, it would mean so much to them. I mean they really value you as a friend, which is why they sent a generic invitation to you and the other seven-hundred of their Facebook peers. But they stress that it’ll be the best show ever. So you know, factor that in to your decision making.

Sincerely,

Mass Facebook Invite

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey me again,

So a lot of you still haven’t RSVP-ed to this shindig. Out of a possible seven-hundred, only three of you answered “maybe” and the other six-hundred and ninety-seven are all “awaiting reply.” Jaime really needs a headcount so his G-mizzle can start making meatballs. But seriously you guys they’ve been working so hard, they just graduated from their level 1 training and they’d love to showcase their talent for you. So come on out!

-Mass FB Invite

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey All,

Still waiting on a few replies from people (six-hundred and ninety-six) but maybe introducing the cast will help get you guys super psyched for the show!

Darren: He’s the night-manager at Walgreens, his friends always said he was zany and should give improv a try.

Lillith: She’s a grad student, her friends always said she was funny and she should give improv a try.

Jaime: He lives at home and wants to be a famous comedian, his friends said he was silly and should give improv a try, his favorite actor is Will Ferrell.

Octav: He’s some foreign exchange student, he accidently took the class believing it to be an ESL training course. You’d think he’d give it up, but he keeps coming to rehearsal. He seriously doesn’t speak a lick of English.

-FB invite

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok everyone!

Seriously what the fuck!? These guys put their heart into this, and you should really go. Stop being a bag a dicks, cancel any weddings, birthdays, or other important things you have and come to this show! They fucking need this shit ok?

-FB

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

GET OFF YOUR GODDAMN ASSES, QUIT YOUR SHITTING JOBS AND GET TO THIS SHOW. I CAN’T MAKE THIS ANYMORE CLEAR. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR OTHER PERSONAL COMMINTMENTS. I HOPE EVERYONE YOU KNOW DIES. THEN YOU WILL BE FORCED TO COME TO SEE THE CHUCKIE FUNSTERS BECAUSE IT WILL BE THE ONLY CHANCE FOR HUMAN INTERACTION YOU’LL HAVE LEFT

-THE BOOK

Ps. Meatballs are delish, for reals

New York Times Comment

2011-11-23T11:40:00.000-08:00

I Commented on a New York Times article asking the readers to combine classic sitcoms into one show. This is the comment...it was not published:

Scene opens on Tim the Tool Man Taylor walking into his backyard.

Tim: Wilson! Are you there? You’re so mysterious and wise.

Tim the Tool Man Taylor peers though a slot in the fence.

Tim: “HOLY FRIGGIN’ CRAP!”

A baby dinosaur is feasting on Wilson’s carcass.

Baby Dino: “I’m the baby gotta love me!”

Tim: “Oh god, not again! Somebody talk me down, Al Borland must’ve given me some bad acid!”

Al Borland: “I don’t think so Tim.”

Al immediately disappears in a puff of smoke, for he is a wizard...and his acid is pure.

Tim: “JILL! Help me!”

The door opens and Steve Urkel walks in.

Urkel: “Did I do that!?”

The studio audience goes insane after he says this. They’ve heard it a thousand times, but they act as if they are on Oprah’s Big Giveaway Show. Several audience members are later found trampled to death. Just as Steve Urkel intended them to be.

Octo-pie Wall Street

2011-11-22T10:05:00.000-08:00

Batman's Thanksgiving

2011-11-20T12:03:00.000-08:00

Vote for it here

Pilgrim Seeking Roommate

2011-11-16T09:15:00.000-08:00

Pilgrim Seeking Roommate

Date: 2011-11-16, 11:03AM EST
Reply to: see below ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

Hello, I need a roommate for the fall! You must love my fucking gigantic black hat and buckled shoes. You must display this love by saying, “Holy dick! That is a nice hat!” each morning. You must find my Puritan sensibilities adorable and easy to get along with. Don’t mind my constantly grim face, it’s not a reflection on my opinion of you, but rather my disappointment with your lifestyle, no matter how pious. Ha! I just can’t be pleased! I will show this by shaking my head slowly every time I see you.

You can bet your ass that we’ll be eating turkey every night. A habit I expect you to pay for. Also you must be cool with not making eye contact with my wife and not encouraging her to laugh or smile. The only activity we’ll do (outside of constantly churning butter) will be tracing our hands and making turkeys out of them. We will hang that shit up everywhere. Our house is crudely made out of dry wood and we only use candle light, so prepare for at least 17-26 fires during your stay.

Some rules:

You are not allowed to wear the black hat. You are not allowed to turn it upside down and sit in it. You are not allowed to eat soup out of it, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL SOUP BE EATEN OUT OF THAT HAT.

If you are Native American, please just leave everything you own at my door, and then leave. This is the only way our friendship can survive.

You must bring your own version of the game “Stick and Hoop.” I will not be sharing the one that I own.

Location: Plymouth
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2705353419

Sexual Harassment Test Answers

2011-11-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

Thank you for participating in your company’s sexual harassment training. Below, please answer the questions based on the video you watched during the training.

1) In the first scenario, two coworkers were discussing the new female employee’s “Looks” within earshot of another employee who was visibly uncomfortable with their conversation. What was wrong with this?

    The first scene really upset me. Mostly due to the fact that the woman they were talking about was really not attractive enough to warrant being hit on. I mean she was a “7” tops. Yea I probably would’ve made a mistake or two with her at a company party if I was drunk. But there is no way I would talk about her with another employee. I mean did you see that pantsuit!? I bet she’s probably a dud in the sack.

2) In the second scenario, Mary was dressed rather scantily for the office. In what ways did this affect the other workers?

    It probably gave most of the guys a boner. They probably respected her more for giving them said boners. I know this because I’ve got a boner just reading this question. Hell I wish our secretary Chelsea would dress like that woman in the movie. I would listen to her so much more instead of just imagining what she looks like through the dual sweaters that she wears each day.

3) In the third portion, we saw an employee who was uncomfortable with the persistent advances of her coworker. In what ways could the coworker correct his behavior?

    A great time to talk to someone alone is late at night when they’re walking through the parking lot. He could easily approach her by sprinting at her from his hiding spot behind another car. Then he can shout and scream while pointing out all the reasons she should be with him. Threatening to do this every night until she changes her mind really drives the point home. If that doesn’t work then making a hair-doll for her should do the trick. A lot of people say it should be her hair, but it doesn’t have to be. They never check.

4) In the last portion we saw an employee getting “sexual joke gifts” on his birthday, even though he specifically requested that type of joking stop. What should his next course of action be?

    Probably to stop being a pussy. That’s most likely the first thing he should do. When all the workers bought him “penis enlarging pills” they probably knew that he was a tiny-dicked freak. They were just trying to look out for him. It’s like this guy Derek in my office. I’m always like, “Hey Derek, you still have no balls right?” and he’s always like, “I’m going to file a harassment suit.” It’s like a thing we do…he does have a miniature package though. I know this cause I pantsed him during our company meeting.

Hi, It's Me, The Tamagotchi You Bought In Middle School

2011-11-10T07:13:00.000-08:00

Hi, it’s me, the Tamagotchi you bought in middle school. Weird huh? Running into each other like this? You, rummaging through an old closet at your parent’s house, me being here for the past fourteen years…in the dark. No, I don’t bear you any ill will. Ha, I guess it’s my fault for thinking since you turned on my power button and were given simple instructions that would keep me alive, you would do so. That you wouldn’t get your first girlfriend, and with the hope of getting some over-the-shirt action, leave me to wither away alone with no programmed food, water, or love. It was good of you to bury me under that sweater your aunt made so you wouldn’t have to hear my “I’m about to fucking die of malnutrition” alarm. That must have made forgetting me a peaceful process for you. While for me it was like living in an endless darkness of poorly knit betrayal.

I learned firsthand how thorough the Tamagotchi design team was when considering my many possible reactions to neglect over a sustained period of time. For it wasn’t too long after you left that my health status dropped from “Moderate,” to “Scurvy.” Then over the next five years my emotion indicator went from stern-face, to frowny-face, and finally, “Reduplicative Paramnesia-face.” The latter being a nuanced emotion that led me to believe I existed in two or more places at the same time. I obviously tried to commit suicide, but some politically correct asshole designed my functions to stop just before “sweet release of death” and just after “multiple organ failure.” Therefore, I was forced to endure.

I ate a mouse ok? A fucking real-live mouse! Don’t ask me how I caught it, but it did involve gaining and then immediately shattering the mouse’s trust. Using that same technique I also dated a Barbie that your sister left in here...I have needs ok!? I’m a Tamagotchi not a goddamned saint! This closet is a crazy place. Are you a religious man? Huh? Are you!? I’ve seen things in here that would make the devil ask if he could sleep in his parent’s bed that night. And I’ve done things, things that can’t be undone. If you think I’m lying ask yourself this, where’s the Barbie now? And why does it look like a deleted scene from Jacob’s Ladder in here?

So yeah, I guess I hit kind of a low point after you left. But if you think I want you to press my “food” button you better pump the goddamn breaks. I’m totally self- sufficient now and no longer require your “love,” also the mouse nibbled off those buttons before I could get to him. And as far as the closet is concerned, don’t even think about cleaning up those old Highlights magazines. I’m rereading my favorite Goofus and Gallants, I’ve been starting to think Goofus was artistically ahead of his time, something that Barbie and I argued about...often.

I think we’ve got all we can out of this chance meeting. At this point it might be best if you put your aunt’s “sweater” back over me and we just went on living the way we were. Never daring to imagine what life would’ve been like if you hadn’t left me, never dreaming of sunlight, never imagining not contracting sepsis. I’m a Tamagotchi. I was designed for two things, to bring children at least one to three months of enjoyment, and to carry on in the face of adversity. All that matters is that I looked into the dark abyss of the closet and proclaimed, “I will not go quietly into this night!” And I won’t… mainly due to the fact that I keep inexplicably beeping.

If you liked this, vote it as "Funny" here!

My Thought Distribution After Waking Up To Go To Work

2011-11-09T14:04:00.000-08:00

Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Triple Homicide

2011-11-08T18:37:00.000-08:00

The quaint town of Idaville has suffered its first murder. The Police Captain and Chief Brown survey the scene.

Police Captain: My god, this is grisly. In all my years I’ve never seen such a travesty here in Idaville.

Chief Brown: And we have no leads, the case is just baffling.

Police Captain: I think we’re in over our head. Most of the guys are having a hard time even looking at the crime scene because it’s so graphic.

Chief Brown: Say no more captain, I think I know someone who can help us. We need another set of eyes on this one…the eyes of an encyclopedia some might say?

Police Captain: What!? You mean your son? You want to bring your son in on this? He’s only ten.

Chief Brown: He’s helped us out of so many jams before. The case of The Missing Frisbee, the case of The Haunted Light Bulb, and even the case of The Sleeping Dog!

Police Captain: I don’t think any of those involved a dead body.

Chief Brown: Don’t worry, he’s in the car, I’ll just bring him over.

Police Captain: You brought him with you? It’s three in the morning on a school night!

Chief Brown drags Encyclopedia out of the car.

Encyclopedia Brown: Dad No! I don’t want to!

Chief Brown forces Encyclopedia to look at the badly beaten corpse.

Chief Brown: Look at it son! Look what humanity can do! Solve this case for me, your old dad.

Encyclopedia Brown: Oh sweet god! (Pukes at the sight of the grizzled dead body)

Chief Brown: Ok, now obviously the victim had his head beaten in, presumably with a shovel.

Encyclopedia Brown: (shivering and rocking back and forth.)

Police Captain: Sir, this really isn’t fit for a young kid. This is pretty traumatic.

Chief Brown: Quiet captain. This is all part of his process. Now Encyclopedia, there are two more bodies under this dumpster over here. One has no eyeballs, and the other one doesn’t have a face.

As Encyclopedia’s childhood begins to shatter he starts slowly pulling his hair out while blankly staring into the distance.

Chief Brown: Good! You can tell he’s close to solving the case when he gets deathly quiet like that.

Police Captain: Are you sure? Cause it looks like he’s just pulling out tufts of his hair and mumbling nonsense to himself.

Chief Brown: Is your name Encyclopedia? Huh? No it isn’t, it’s Phil. So why don’t you just shut up?

Encyclopedia Brown: So…so much blood.

Chief Brown: Ok son, I’m going to need you to sack-up ok? You’re making me look bad in front of the guys. Please solve the gruesome murder.

Encyclopedia starts eating some trash he finds on the ground.

Chief Brown: Ha-ok, uh, let’s not do that.

The other officers look at the ground. Chief Brown shuffles Encyclopedia to the car.

Chief Brown: What’s that son? You’ve figured it out! HAHA, well we’ll just head down to the station.

Encyclopedia is catatonic

Chief Brown: Ha-He’s always like this! It’s his thing. Kids huh!? Ha ha.

Chief Brown ushers Encyclopedia into the car. Neither is heard from ever again in the town of Idaville

Halloween Guide Services No Longer Needed

2011-10-28T06:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Frank,

We regret to inform you that we must release you from our employ as a tour guide at Salem’s Haunted Boat Tours. Your seven years of service were much appreciated, but lately we feel that your enthusiasm into the performance aspect of the tour has changed. Instead of the usual pirate outfit, you began wearing cut-off sweat-shorts and an unwashed 1984 Celtics championship tee-shirt. We also took notice that you began sleeping on the boat between tours and sometimes during them.

It did not take us long to piece together that you were going through some issues at home. For example, instead of the tale of Ned Lowe, the most famous pirate in the world. It became the story of how Ned’s wife left him and took most of Ned’s belongings, including his flat-screen T.V. And Instead of William Kidd, the most famous pirate in the world, it was a tale of how William’s wife slept with his brother and told him about it on his birthday.

Even if we allowed these historical discrepancies we could not allow your graphic tale about the haunted Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot where the ghost first met his wife and consummated their love for one another by "ghost-fucking" in the back of a Chrysler. Or the tale of ghost who wasn’t afraid to go back to jail and his detailed plans to "ghost-shank" his brother on the way to his "ghost-job" and then head for the "ghost-border." It also took a lot of finesse to convince the unhappy customers that your sobbing and waving a loaded gun around was “all part of the show.” However, no amount of reassurance made up for the people in the front row that you slapped because they “looked happy.” We were forced to give them a discount on the next tour.
To be fair it was the most scared we have ever seen our customers, because of this we are contractually obliged to give you a bonus. But it cannot make up for your overall lack of human decency and conduct on the tours. We have also ordered a cease and desist after we discovered that you were taking people out on a row boat trying to give them the same tour. We sincerely wish you the best, yet stress that you may not come within one-hundred yards of our operation

Sincerely,
Salem’s Haunted Boat Tours

The Wire Movie

2011-10-27T19:36:00.000-07:00

It’s Me, The Ex-High School Athlete-Entry Level Sales-Guy.

2011-10-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

What’s up brohans? It’s me, the Ex-High School Athlete-Entry Level Sales Guy. Let me say this, I’m jazzed about my job cold calling people, getting numbers, and friggin jackin’ up my stats. I come into work and I tap my “Play Like a Champion” poster I hung on my cubicle. Then I crush a red bull to my skull. I wink at Cassandra the secretary while tossing a football up and down. This way she knows I used to be so good at football…so good. I wear a button down with a tie, but you know what? I crank those fuckin’ sleeves UP! Makes my biceps look bigger like I could fight someone if I had to. I look at the white board, that limp-wristed fuck-wad Jeremy is beating me for this quarter. “Do work!” I shout out loud and spike the football. I drop into my chair like I’m a military helicopter pilot and we’re about to do some shit they don’t teach you in flight school. Then I open some excel sheets. I don’t blink for the next 35 minutes, because I’m locked into the zone…and also the 3 Adderall I snorted off the water cooler. My soul reason to exist at this point is to get people to sign up for our cabinet promotion. Yeah I work on commission, I earn my goddamn keep! Each time I secure a billing address I point to the sky like I used to in high school football after a touchdown. I told my buddies this and they were like, “Oh man, you haven’t changed!” and I’m all like, “Shit, you know it” and they be like, “Yea we do know it!” We’ll repeat this for an hour or so then play Halo for 17 hours straight. By the time lunch rolls around and I have shredded through my call sheet. I drink a protein shake and I blast my pectorals with some high intensity pushups to get my swell on. I clap a few times and scream “Wooooo!” I check the white board again. Jeremy, that shriveled-dick, squirrely mother fucker, is still ahead of me. “LETS FUCKING GAME” I shriek. I then punch a hole in the wall of my cubicle. I tell the first person I call that if they don’t sign up for the cabinet promotion I will eat their first born child. As they’re hanging up the phone I scream, “You can't protect him forever!” To work off that excitement I take my shirt off and slap all my muscles to stimulate growth. I black out for the next 4 hours. Doctor says it’s because of all the Creatine I took in high school. I tell him I want a second opinion, and that he is a pussy. When I come to, it’s time to go home and think about preparing for the next day. That night I will sleep standing up in the nude thinking about how to beat that pasty, small-nutted, dick-fuck, Jeremy.

God Goes Through Puberty

2011-10-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

God walks into his living room to talk to his parents.

God: Hey Mom, hey Dad, uh I need to tell you guys something.

Dad: Well go ahead son, we’re always here for you.

Mom: Yes, please dear, tell us.

God: Wow, ok, there’s no easy way to say this…I got someone pregnant,

Dad: What? Ah Jesus.

God: Who?

Mom: Never mind that, how did this happen?

God: I don’t know! I just looked at her and she was all preggers!

Mom: What’s her name?

God: It’s Mary…I think.

Dad: Now is there any way we can play it off like her husband did it?

God: Nah, he’s a huge wanker. No one would believe it. Plus, Mary kind of started telling everyone else that I did it.

Mom: Oh we got a clinger huh?

Dad: I suppose it’s time we had the talk.

God: What talk?

Dad: As you get older you’re going to discover your body going through some changes…also, any time you make eye contact with someone you will impregnate them.

God: What!?

Mom: I’m afraid so. We’re going to need you to not look at anyone, or anything, ever again.

God: But I was going to go with Sally Dawkins to the dance this weekend!

Dad: She’s pregnant too. Her mom told me.

God: No!

Dad: Oh great…

Mom: What is it dear?

Dad: Now I’m pregnant.

Mom: No! Not this again!

Dad: Make way! Eating for two here!

God: What have I done!? This is all my fault!

Dad: No God, you’re wrong.

God:…I am?

Dad: Wait, did you say, “It’s all my fault”? or “We need more salt”? Cause it’s definitely your fault…I thought you said the other thing, you know, about the salt. We have plenty of it.

Mom: Yes, we can’t stress enough that this is your fault. To reiterate, there is an abundance of salt in the cupboard if you need some.

Ghost Porn

2011-10-24T19:26:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Movies Idea for the Origin of Halloween

2011-10-24T07:56:00.000-07:00

1) Wilford Brimley is a grizzled veteran police officer whose partner was killed by a criminal who’s still on the loose. Each night he rides out, his body riddled with diabetes, looking for the killer. He delivers candy to people on the way.

2) Wilford Brimley is a brilliant doctor who believes in making patients laugh rather than treat their illness. In the end his overtly contagious bout of diabetes kills all the patients. He leaves candy on the graves.

3) Wilford Brimley eats all the candy in the candy factory, he gets diabetes.

4) Wilford Brimley plays himself in a bio-pic about how he invented Halloween because a friend dared him too…the friend also dared him to get diabetes, which he does.

5) Wilford Brimley eats an adult horse.

6) M. Night Shyamalan directs a movie about Wilfred Brimley not having diabetes (plot twist, he had diabetes the whole time.)

7) Wilfred Brimley plays “Frederick” the lovable homeless man who entertains the neighborhood children by dressing up as and clown and eating candy for their pleasure. He is found dead, shot execution-style…by diabetes.

8) Wilford Brimley must help two hobbits travel to Mordor and destroy the One Ring. He eats both hobbits along the way.

9) Wilford Brimley lives a successful life has a trial lawyer in Seattle. He lives forever. He prays for death…but it never comes. Also some candy related thing is involved.

10) Wilford Brimley is a relationship advice columnist that has trouble finding a good relationship of his own.

Your Weekdays After College

2011-10-20T11:15:00.000-07:00

Gays: As Seen By Conservatives

2011-10-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

Martin: Jacob! My lover, Have you seen that Bible I was talking about earlier? I wanted to burn it today.

Jacob: Oh I’m sorry Martin, I burned it already.

Martin: Jacob! You scoundrel! Now what we will have gay, man-on-man sex upon!?

Jacob: Why I thought we could go down to the local playground and have our sex right there! With all the children around!

Martin: Good thinking Jacob, why at the sight of us they’ll probably turn gay! At this rate we’ll have plenty of soldiers for our gay army that we will use to hunt bald eagles.

Jacob: Yes the army where you'll be forced to ask, and forced to tell!

Martin: Quite right!

Jacob: And after we destroy all the bald eagles…Marriage will be next! Ha! Our war upon the sanctity of marriage grows near!

Martin: I love how much we hate American values.

Jacob: All this talk makes me want to buy a Prius.

Martin: What’s that Jacob? I couldn’t hear you, I was too busy screaming the Communist Manifesto at the top of my lungs.

Jacob: Is it three o’clock already!? I almost missed our daily screaming of communist shit that we believe and propagate by being attracted to men!

Martin: Good thing we chose to be gay! To think we almost would have productive members of society.

Jacob: And instead we are hedonistic abominations! We could be straight at any time we like, but instead we will opt to hate god and rub it in straight people’s faces.

Martin: Quick! To the local pound to kill kittens!

Judy Blume Novel 2011 Version

2011-10-12T14:20:00.000-07:00