How I Process a Rejection Letter

What is actually written:

Dear Kevin Anglin,

            Thank you for submitting to us, we had an overwhelming number of written work to sift through. Unfortunately at this time we are not going to publish your piece. We wish you the best of luck and hope you’ll keep submitting other work.

                         Regards,

                        Some Awesome Place.

 How I Interpret it:

Dear Chipmunk Dick,

            I would have rather passed a kidney stone while listening to someone try and covert me to Mormonism than read your work again. After I read it, I systematically went to a pawn shop, bought a gun, and shot my computer at point blank range. I then bought a new computer and printed out sixty copies of your submission and put them in the bathroom so people could literally wipe themselves with it. It is obscenely painful because printer paper is not soft, but given how terrible you are at being a human being, it was worth it. Your writing tells me that if there is a god, it is clear he does not love you.

I came to a few realizations reading your work:

 1) You should light yourself on fire in a place where you won’t bother anyone.

 Okay so I only came up with one conclusion, but I had someone else read it and they thought the same thing. Here are some things you should accept right now. You’re not going to be a writer. You’re not going to get paid for something you like to do. You are ugly. You will live in an old refrigerator.

 I took the liberty of calling your girlfriend. She’s going to dump you now. I also made a call to every other woman alive, so they know never to date you. I told them your penis is as small as your prose is contrived, and for the non-literary women I just said you had herpes. I didn’t have to call any other publications because they were all here with me laughing along in perfect unison while we went over your work line by line.  You are an affront to humanity. In the rare event that you don’t light yourself aflame, please destroy any artistic thing you’ve ever created and move into a local forest to die alone, soaked in your own misery.

 I hate you,

Everyone important.

Taken 2 Preview

Shot opens on Liam Neeson who is a cashier at the last fledgling Blockbuster Video Rental store.

Jeremy (who is played by Jeremy Lin for no reason at all) a loyal customer walks in through the front door.

Liam Neeson:  Good Morning Jeremy! Good to see you again

Jeremy: Hello, I was just coming in to return those videos I rented last week…not that it matters because it’s Blockbuster, but still.

Liam Neeson: Great! Let’s see, you have Jaws, and Labyrinth out.

Jeremy: Oh no, it looks like I only brought Jaws…I left Labyrinth at home. I’m sorry I-

Liam Neeson: So, you’ve Taken…Labyrinth? 

Jeremy: Well no I wouldn’t say that, I “rented” it earlier. But I haven’t taken it from somewhere else…you know…since I already had it in my possession.

Liam Neeson throat chops a nearby customer

Jeremy: Holy shit! Oh my god, why did you do that!?

Liam Neeson: To show that I am very serious, you see I have a particular set of skills…and they deal entirely with model train restoration…but I also can kill people. 

Jeremy: Okay! Okay! I’ll just run back and get Labyrinth and bring it back?

Liam Neeson: You’ve Taken it Jeremy, It’s too late.

Jeremy: Alright again, I already had it in my possession so that’s not technically the correct grammar. But you can come with and we’ll both get it, how about that?

Liam Neeson slowly brandishes a pistol and points it at another customer

Liam Neeson: Where’s the tape Jeremy, where is Labryinth?

Jeremy: I just said it was at my house!!!

Liam Neeson: I haven’t spent my entire life working at a Blockbuster to be made a fool of Jeremy!

Jeremy: I never said th-

Liam Neeson shoots the customer

Liam Neeson: I bet you buy DvD’s now huh? Too good for VHS!? : If I do not get Labyrinth back, I’m going to Taken your life Jeremy.

Camera zooms in on Liam Neeson’s face and eventually his pupil. Then it quickly zooms back out and then in again on the other pupil. Then it fades to black. Then an anti-piracy promo pops up on screen. The end.

Grown Up Super Powers

Super Powers I wanted when I was a Child:

• Flight
• Laser vision
• Ability to talk to horses
• Super strength
• Invisibility
• Telekinesis

 Super Powers I want as an Adult:

• Ability to walk into a public restroom and be alone the whole time.
• Eat only burritos and not have massive stroke.
• Have no debt.
• Ability to not blink so I can take in more Netflix.
• Ability to be as tired at night, as I am in the morning.
• Ability to talk to horses.
• Ability to walk into a public restroom and be alone the whole time.
• Ability to walk into a public restroom and be alone the whole time.
• Ability to walk into a public restroom and be alone the whole time.

Post Valentine's Day Thoughts On "The Vow"

Because I enjoy “not loneliness” and the debilitating need to “want attention from a girl” I agreed to go see The Vow on Valentine’s Day. For those of you unaware, The Vow is Nicholas Sparks’ latest high octane adventure…just kidding! It's his latest contrived two-hour poop basket of a talking picture. It's about a couple (Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum) who are more in love than anybody else you know. Your grandparents that have been married 60 years? They’re just fuck-buddies compared to these two. This couple makes Romeo and Juliet look like a couple of whores that happen to work near each other. We know they love so much harder than anyone else because in the movie they say things like “I love you…so…much”. So much!? That’s a lot of goddamn love!

                They get in a huge accident, doesn’t matter how, I assume it happened because we tolerate religious freedom in America and don’t allow prayer in school. But Rachel McAdams wakes up from her coma and she doesn’t remember her husband, the Chan-Man. “Oh right!” you’re thinking, we’ve all tried the ol’ “wake up from a coma and pretend to forget everything.” Why the other day, I forgot to get my grandmother a birthday gift, so anytime she calls I scream “WHO IS THIS!?” into the phone and then hang up…because it’s about dedication if it’s going to work. But it turns our Rachel is totally not faking you guys. She’s not okay? SERIOUSLY WTF? WHY CAN’T SHE REMEMBER!?

                This heart wrenching plot twist is revealed when she assumes that Chan-bot is her doctor. Since he is dressed in jeans and a v-neck, we can assume that she scanned the room and thought "Ok the pseudo hipster is most likely my doctor and not the woman who is dressed in scrubs." This brings us to our checklist to discern whether or not you are watching a Nicholas Sparks movie:

•   Male lead in rain/cascading water
•   Incapacitating illness/death/obstacle for romantic couple
•   Over the fucking top dialogue
•  Disapproving Parents 

   o   Rowboat

          The only Nicholas Sparks thing we were missing was the rowboat, but I’m pretty sure it played  a waiter at one of the coffee shops. 

       We spend the next agonizing two hours watching Rachel McAdams become kind of a huge B, and Chamalamadingdong chase her around. I’m not going to say how the movie ends because honestly who gives a shit? I found it shocking that Mr. Tatum in his quest to help her remember who she was, didn’t try the, “Yea you used to like to give me blowjobs every morning and afternoon and evening…it was our thing, also, we were really discussing a threesome before the accident…just saying” maneuver.

        Instead of the ending I will describe what I would like the next three Nicholas Sparks movies to be about.

• Couple gets in accident, when they awake from coma, it turns out one of them has had a sex- change, they must learn to love again. 
•  Normal man awakes from coma, everyone tries to convince him he is a pedophile. Eventually, they do.
•  Mysterious Rowboat falls in love with soon-to-married girl next door.

Valentine's Day

Email From Professor

 I was sifting through some old emails and I found this message from a professor of mine, he was giving me some "edits" on my project concerning "Priestly Celibacy."

 

10 Things That Happened Directly After The Super Bowl

1) Giant’s plane ride home was delayed because Eli Manning could not find a booster seat.

2) Rob Gronkowski was fed an adult bison.

3) Archie Manning accidentally introduced Eli as “His only son.”

4) Eli Manning went straight to bed as it was a half hour past his bed time.

5) Aaron Hernandez had to solemnly celebrate-dance his money back into the vault for next year.

6) The residents of Vancouver burnt their city to the ground…again.

7) Tom Brady apologized for hitting Wes Welker on the hands with the football during the game.

8) Clint Eastwood blitzed North Korea in opening minutes of America’s 3^rd quarter.

9) Group of reckless youths dared each other to say “Gronkowski” 3 times in the mirror with the lights turned off…the death toll was catastrophic.

10) Eli Manning was given a wedgie by an eight-grade girl.

Wii Fit

Minority Report Roomates

Need 5^th Roommate, We’re not from the movie Minority Report

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Date: 2011-11-16, 11:03AM EST
Reply to: see below ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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Hey we’re looking for a fifth roommate! We have a great spot right near downtown, easy subway access. Rent is about $700 a month. Oh and also, I must stress this. The other three roommates are NOT the three psychics from Minority Report. Please don’t say anything about it, as they are very sensitive. For that matter don’t even think about saying anything about it.

                Ok I have my own room, and you’ll be sharing a room with the other three, but it’s totally spacious because they spend all day in a shallow, stagnant pool in the middle of the floor. It’s pretty quiet cause they don’t really say anything and they don’t have any belongings.  They don’t really like any music in the room cause it messes with their Hive-Mind, but you can listen to stuff in the kitchen quietly at non-Hive-Mind peak hours from 7am-8am. Generally we all try not to speak outside of that time. And if you think that these people sound like the people from Minorty Report, well then that’s really insensitive of you and you should stop being a bigot.

We all take turns doing dishes, sometimes the other three might leave you a passive aggressive note on the fridge about how you didn’t wash the dishes on Sunday, even though it’s only Friday. This may seem a little rash but trust me, you were not going to wash those goddamn dishes.

You will have to get used to everyone referring to our apartment as a “bleak dystopian representation of the future.” But whatever, it’s better than living with your folks. It took me a little while to get used to the fact that the other roommates are naked and bald all of the time, by choice. I tried to dress them up once for Christmas but it was a nightmare, the tinsel was stuck in the bottom of the pool for months. So they just stay naked now. If you’re going to be all like, “Wait this sounds exactly like Minority Report.” The my reply is “Stop being a homophobic racist ok?”

Yeah so no pets, this won’t seem fair because the other three collectively own a hamster named Barnaby. It was just part of the deal with them so don’t get fussy, and do NOT feed or make eye contact with Barnaby. He is also part of the Hive-Mind, and they can tell when he’s been disturbed. Other than that this is like a really great deal and you should cash in on it soon! Thanks!